I was sixteen years old when i fell in love with a precious man for God, he was very religious and belonged to a very pious family, i loved it always, how he used to carry his personality, his eyes and beard and everything that facial expressions.
In 2016 i did umrah before in makkah i didn’t know about it but soon as we travelled to medina another city of Saudi. I realized i used to write his name on the prayer mat with my fingertips and slowly got it. Maybe I love him.
I was happy because i never felt anything like this before, it’s 2023 January 1st on my birthday i had to attend his wedding event with my childhood best friend who was the first to witness that i love her cousin, i did not look at him, in fact i wanted to but i was helpless i was afraid of him and eye contact every single time. I even looked at him once from the building’s window and we made eye contact from there too so i did not want it to happen because i was at the edge to cry but none of the other people except us knew what i felt. My cousins wished for happiness, everyone as it clocked at 12am and i realized it’s all fake, the prayers.
I mean it, in 2023s ending months they got a child, a girl, and I haven’t met them or seen them after their wedding. I feel like being maleficent because I dislike this whole family including their child.
I am healed i was happy in 2016 and happier in 2019 i confessed my feelings on the messenger fb app, on 31 November 12am. After a few weeks i realized it was his birthday.
He always gave me silent treatment, will you believe it reader if i say the man i loved i have never touched his skin? His hands, and never heard from him since 2016 and so on until today. Manifesting that he never talks to me never. I don’t want to hear him. I am manifesting it because i hate him as much as my love was true for him.
I don’t know what he sounds like, he didn’t send me anything except a thumbs up in response to my i love you text.
And then never even said thank you or reacted to my messages when i used to compliment how handsome he is. He even stopped seeing my messages.
I just want to say that I don’t believe in men. I still have a soft spot for love but men are not trustworthy, the gender is the worst in the whole world.
I don’t know his POV. But he could have at least given me a closure or clarity that
“I like someone else and that’s the end of our story Rakhshanda ”
At this time i was suffering from eczema several times so i did not had enough time to heal my trauma. But now my eczema is a bit controlled just a bit and i am trying to heal, i am in the first semester of university it’s so hard to zone out in this step of my life, i am clearly sobbing right now.
“I don’t want to live”
“I don’t want to survive”
“I neither need happiness nor sadness. I don’t want my happiness to find me i want my grief to end up with me in the grave. With whatever consequences. ”
“i can’t do it. ”
“I am a failure. ”
“I can’t make it.” even if they laugh at me i am weak. You haven’t been in my shoes you never know what my veins have witnessed with me since I was born. My hair used to be glued with each other with so much blood due to eczema. The outfit i wore as a 1 month child would be glued to my skin my family used to put hot water so it can’t hurt me more, i know my family says، you haven’t suffered much and you’re lucky. Mom dad I don’t wanna be lucky. Please.
